In a Fog

It truly surprises me, how deeply ingrained into my brain/subconscious it must be; this ability to put on the persona that all is well, and to go through the motions of life outside my home as if I have it all together. I have hid it so well, my close friends have no idea the mental struggle I have going on in my head on a daily basis.  Some days, my husband has been fooled by it as well - until it all comes out like an eruption of ash.

I think its time I admit to myself as well, that medication and friends alone will not get me out of this rut I feel I am so far in.  The fog that I feel mentally... I can barely make it through day to day life! Take care of the kids, feed them, I myself need to eat, make sure the house is clean, and when everyone comes home the kids are kept at a distance from each other so as to be able to focus on homework.. Some days it is a struggle to not want to go back to my bed and crawl under the covers and just stay there all day.  But no one knows - that is the beauty of the fog that I have surrounded myself with and yet the ugliness of it as well.

I often times wonder what I have done in my life that has left me feeling so isolated from others, yet knowing that I have friends I can talk to. I also wonder when it became okay to act as if all was well, when in all actuality it isn't.  When did hiding in the fog become more than just an emotional blanket but a security blanket as well.  After all, if no one knows how I really think or feel, I can't hurt their feelings and in return I won't be hurt either. Yet the fog is full of hurt, pain, anxiety, stress, emotions, racing thoughts of who knows what really, because most days I can't catch them!

Today seems to be a day when I have the moments available to myself to put these thoughts down and allow them to stew out there... outside of my brain, so that maybe, just maybe it can rest for just a little bit.

Willow's birthday is coming, Christmas is coming, and I am intrigued by what that all means.  Odd word to use in this situation really. I should feel excitement, stress, happiness and instead I am intrigued by what those days will bring.

Holidays or Hellidays

Yup, I said it. For someone who suffers with depression, the holiday season we are currently in is quite an unspeakable, hard to focus on, just let me get through the day, type of event. This year, I personally feel like I am able to walk through my days better than I did last year at this time. But then something happens, and it hits hard and I am a complete and utter mess! I could go inside myself and just not speak, I could start to go through why I am so angry, upset, resentful, anxious at that moment and explode on any one person who asks me what is wrong (usually only if they are in my house) - or I just say nothing and carry on being upset. I could sit in a puddle of tears and not be able to actually form the words needed to convey why or how I feel at that moment. That is what this past weekend has been like for me.

I thought I was doing pretty good, and you see that is just how things go when you have depression - you think you are doing well and making progress and then all of a sudden something hits you and it's like you are back to square one.  

I have been doing a lot of thinking again about my life, and what my purpose really is. Since our last trip to DC with the PHF, I have really felt a calling in Special Needs and a new found love for the non profit foundation that I volunteer with. So with that I started to do research into what can I do with all of my credits that I have thus far. So... 

I decided that I am indeed going to go back to school - only not for elementary education as I thought my life plan was. After all, we aren't really the ones in control of our life or the plans that we think we are.  I am going to get my B.S in Liberal Arts with a psychology minor :)  I am super excited about this idea, and was really excited to start in January. Only then life happened and well, it looks like I need to wait until spring. Only I am scared to wait that long to go back to school for a few reasons. One is my ability to study and focus. By then, the kids will be almost done with school (or come summer definitely done with school) and so will not get the time needed for homework as I would if I start next semester. Finances for school are in check and will be taken care of , no problem, so that is not an issue. But if I wait, then I am also afraid I won't go - I will come up with some other reason why I cannot attend. 

And Day 2:

That is where my thoughts ended last night due to about 800 interruptions. I am NEVER able to complete a thought any more, and the kids wonder why I forget things lately.

Well, today is another day - I have been put into survival mode, and that means different things for so many people. For me, survival is to keep busy because if I sit for too long I am forced to sit, think, focus on me. I do not like to do that; and I know I need to do that to really get better; but I would rather not and focus on the 800 billion things that are calling my attention - even if it means I can't focus right now.

So I am just going to say sorry. Sorry for not writing an awesome, insightful post about my thought process while I am dealing with depression. As my last blog said, I am not quite ready to really share all that is up here.  I can say that depression is real, it affects you so differently than someone else. No  two people will walk depression the same. Smiling hurts, being real hurts, and hiding the hurt can actually be easier than being real. But I think we as people tend to shy away from discussing it because it is so different for any one walking this path. One day... 

The Closing of Summer

It has been almost 2 months since my last post.  There has been both a lot going on and a lot of nothing exciting taking place.  I have been running words through my head all that time as well, trying hard to decide what to share, what is too much, what do you want or need to hear and how honest should I be with my battle of depression.  I have always felt that sharing my struggles in life could potentially help someone else, and that it was important for others to not feel alone as I have in various aspects of my life.  But battling PPD seems to be one thing I am not yet comfortable sharing as openly as I am that I am a survivor of sexual abuse and rape.  I would MUCH rather talk about the latter any day then my depression.  Yet, here I am, once again attempting my luck at a post, much as I have done many other times before today.

It is still hard to put into words how I feel, or have been feeling.  I think I am finally letting go of my ideal of what or how I am supposed to behave as a stay at home mom, but now I am working towards finding myself.  I have gone to the library a few times and checked out some books on oils as I struggle to get my doTerra business up and going.  I also have gotten books on educational things I have been thinking about researching further for Evan and Willow's sake.  So all that to say I am reading again! It feels nice to have a book in my hand.
Aside from that though, I still struggle with my feelings toward Orion. I feel I have not bonded with him as I had with the others by this age. I struggle to feel anything more than a machine most days when it comes to him.  If he is crying and there are other people around I will ask the boys to help him out before I can even get in there myself.  It is horrible to admit, but between him and Willow I NEVER have a moment to myself and it is hard!  I truly don't know how so many mothers out there can do this with more than one little one at home.

In other, lighter news, we are getting ready for school to start back up!  With our DC trip with the PHF behind us, we can now focus on school :)   ah yes, school - 4 kids, 4 different schools, ranging from high school to head start! LOL  What a fun year this will be ;)
Speaking of DC, the trip went well.  I had met with representatives from Justin Amash's office and Debbie Stabinow's office.  Please look for some news in regard to those meetings as well - I may be asking for some help with follow up letters to their offices.  I need to do a bit of research based on what was discussed and then will be asking for the masses to ask them to join the adult and pediatric caucus.
With September fast approaching, it also means National Hydrocephalus Awareness Month, so there will many exciting things happening there too.

Thank you

So I took the girls to the Fulton Street Artisans Market on Sunday afternoon (see them here), it was our second time there and because of the crazy morning weather not so busy this day. It was fantastic, the girls really love to look at all the great hand made things, have a snack, talk with the vendors (who are usually surprised at how much my girls know about the nerdy stuff such as Dr. Who, Pokemon, etc). Anyway, this particular Sunday I asked a vendor if she could create something she already had showing but in a different color.  She had made an awareness ribbon in pink and I asked for it to be made in blue.  She said no problem, give me five minutes.  Well, we went walking around while she did that, and when I returned she asked me what it was for and I explained the PHF to her and Willow's journey with it (Willow's Wishes).  She then told me that what she does is make donations to the organizations when a ribbon is sold. I was shocked!  All I wanted was a blue ribbon to put with my keys and share awareness. Well share awareness I did that day, but how great is it that a local artisan, who could keep the money to herself to support what she does, instead gives back?!  Three days later this story, this moment still holds in my heart.  So here is a great shout out to an incredible artisan (whom I am sure will be seeing us again soon as now the boys want stuff too!)

Sarah Hale thank you for being you   (check out her Facebook page here)

Here is what I bought from her:

Also, another state chapter director had done a tshirt sale to raise money and awareness, well here I am sporting mine:

Someone I love lives with hydrocephalus 

I love you Willow Anne :) 

Where did June go?

It is so crazy to think that week 3 of summer is starting this week and the 4th of July is looking us straight in the eye! Where is our summer going?!

I am trying to do something with the kids every day. I know that sounds funny, but by that I mean, something fun/special/out of the dull drum of our daily activities.  That would have worked if a belt on my car didn't snap on Tuesday and leave me without a car until Friday night. LOL
Last week, aside from not having a car, it looked like it was going to rain just about every day.  Well on Friday I decided to chance it and walk the kids to Briggs Park regardless.  We were there about 3 hours and the kids had a BLAST!! Willow can walk around the edge, and started to jump into the pool.  The boys are great swimmers this year so I can let them jump off the diving board and not worry about them, so I just have to play with the babies.  Now with that said trying to hold Orion the whole time and entertain Willow is a bit difficult; but it just happened that a friend was at the pool too that day so she played with Willow while I kept Orion.  Amanda was there with us as well, but she actually came with her friend and while she isn't the greatest swimmer this summer; she can do basic things to keep her entertained.

I also made play dough and Willow loves it (recipe here).  I made the first recipe there on the page, and figure I will try the others later.
Willow also tried to tell me that I am not going to potty train her, and well... after a little thinking on my part; I told her we don't have any more diapers left and she would have to use the bathroom all day. I put her in a dress for 3 days and big girl underwear on day 4 (today is day 6), and well each day she has been in underwear we have had some sort of accident it has been later in the day as in almost bed time. I think she is too tired and I am too busy getting everyone all they need I don't catch her in enough time. So I need to start with her I think tomorrow!
I haven't mentioned much about my journey with PPD in a bit and well, personally I am still having a hard time with it.  I am able to care for the children, hang out, take them places etc. But on a personal level I feel like I am expelling so much energy to just 'be' for them that there is nothing left in me.  I crawl into bed and that is about it for me anymore.  To be honest, this blog alone is three days in the making and I still feel it is discombobulated in so many ways.  There were many thoughts that have been through my head and yet I feel scrambled at the moment.  To be honest, I just returned from a walk and am starting again...  The one thing I am working on remembering is to just take each day as they come. This was something I did to get through all the hospital visits and news we had with Willow in her first year with hydrocephalus.  It somehow got me through, so I will go that route again. Take today as it comes, and value it for the gift it has for you.

Difficult days

The plan for the day was to go pick strawberries.  The weather had a different idea for today - rain.  So we are not picking today; and really I am okay with that. It's a go with the flow type of day.  Who knows what the rest of the day will bring... only not everyone in my house feels the same way.

Evan asked me after he was done with his breakfast when we would be going to pick strawberries.  I quickly quieted him down as Willow has not asked yet (and she is the big reason we are taking this adventure), and explain to him that it is raining. The news was on, and it was at the weather segment, so I even got to show him the radar... it will be raining for a while this morning as its a slow moving front.  He started to cry.  I know changes in routine bother him, and I know he hates surprises, but what I am still having a hard time understanding is his lack in understanding that I can't control some aspects of our day (ie today's weather).  He is quite upset and is now rocking himself on the couch under his blanket.  It is days like today where I wish he could go with the flow a little bit more, or I could just understand him a tiny bit more so that this rough morning doesn't get worse; because you see - today will get worse. This rain has just set his mood for the entire day, and he will be quite difficult to deal with. Any suggestion I may have to make things better will only be met with grumbles, anger, and a bit of anxiety too.

Well, off to let him decompress and then remind him of our chore and school hour... please send lots of patience this way.

Too soon to tell...

Well, my kids have been on summer vacation for a week now.  I would like to say that things are going great so far; but that wouldn't show the whole picture if I did. You see Jonathan left for an out of state camp Monday morning, and doesn't return until 12:30-1 am Friday night/Saturday morning (however you want to see it).  Amanda has spent all but a day or two at a friends house, and Evan had day camp this week and so was gone from 12:30-3:30 Monday through Thursday.  So my first week WAS GREAT!! But I don't have all my kids home to drive me crazy yet either. LOL

Home schooling them is going well.  They all respect my summer rules (even Amanda when she was home), and do the one chore of their choice and get right on school work - so that part is working out wonderful as well.  Willow is really taking well to the letter of the day lesson plans too.  We have done A, B and today was S. No one said we had to do them in order :)  We have also made special treats on each of these days. Apple pie for A, Banana Cream pudding and Brownies for B and well today wasn't so special but she helped me make a sandwich for her to eat. We have been careful to listen while we talk and to see if we hear anyone say the letter of the day, as well as practice writing it.  It's been a lot of fun to work with her and see how excited she gets.  I have also found that she can type out her name on the iPad, which for a 3 year old I still think is amazing!

So while we have survived the first week of summer vacation quite well, I also know that I have been spoiled a bit in not having most of my children home the whole time.  I really wonder if I will feel so great this time next week?!

The Start of our Summer

Well, it is the first full week of summer vacation.  I have Jonathan off to camp this week with friends from Frontline Community Church at NTS camp - he said he was excited about that endeavor.  Evan is attending a day camp this week at the West Michigan Academy of Environmental Sciences, with his theme being Flinging Newtons (so he is building a catapult and a rocket this week).  He came home with a smile so huge, it was pretty cool :)

I have instituted summer rules for our house as well:

Willow and Amanda seemed to really like the fact that we would still have fun this summer if all the rules were followed.  

So the first rule is one chore must be done by lunch time, and here are the choices they may choose from daily: 

They just have to pick one thing on that list and make sure it gets done in the morning. Then we have an hour of summer school at our house this year.  That is partly because Evan needs structure or he breaks down very easily (hence his half day of day camp this week to ease into lazier days) and partly because Amanda failed at multiplication and division and really needs the help; as does Jonathan with focus (if anyone has any idea how to truly improve that, I am taking suggestions).  So to make it fair its summer school for all (including Willow).  Surprisingly there was not much fight to that rule. I will do this by doing a half hour of book work and half hour of an approved website.  They have a list near the computer of what they can play on, and they may pick one or two and play for 30 minutes.  If this is all done without arguments, that truly would leave us all afternoon to have FUN!! I have explained it to them in that manner as well, in hopes that we will have less break downs, less fighting and whining as well.  We will see... after all it is only the first week of summer vacation.

Is there a difference?!

I have been asked that question a few times lately, as it's been three weeks since I have been on my antidepressant medication.  I was told a few stories that I may have crazy side effects, or I may notice nothing at all.  It is this noticing of nothing at all that I am supposed to be looking for... sounds odd right?!  My understanding of that was I was supposed to just notice one day that things didn't seem to bother me as much anymore.  Thankfully I can say I feel a difference.  Whether my family see's it or not yet may be a different answer (hey I am only human); but I can say that I don't feel as anxious or cluttered, or even in a constant fog anymore.  I still have days where I want to stay in my room all day and just disappear.  But those days are no longer every day.

I can also say that I have missed a night here or there in remembering to take my pill and I have noticed the next day that upon waking up it is an instant feeling of panic.  Now that I know what I am looking for it is so easy to sense when it is not right and acknowledge it.  Yet still so scary to feel so out of control of myself at the same time.

I still want to thank all my friends and family who are here lately sharing stories and supporting me in this.  I have had some reactions from 'how could you not be with 5 kids?', to 'who isn't depressed these days?!', and in some odd way, that too is reassuring. :)

Today starts my kids summer vacation, and I am looking forward to it.  We have no big plans really, but little things here and there will fill our summer I am sure.  But I think it will be nice to not have to run out for a few months early in the morning unless I really want to. Have a great summer everyone!

Wrestling within - the next chapter

So I suppose I almost set myself up for failure from the word 'go' on this journey of my life.  Last year Jon and I decided we would make the jump in our family from 2 part time incomes, to one full time income and we would actually come out better in the end.  What that meant was that I was going to be a stay at home mom (SAHM), but I have NEVER stayed home exclusively with our children (shocking I know, but I haven't).  I have always done something outside of the home - be it school, working, PTA, cub scout leader... It didn't matter what it was, there was always something I was juggling (on top of wife and mother). But that was how I wanted it, that was how I made my life to be.  I have known since having Jonathan that I love my children dearly but I can not stay home with them.  I do not possess this quality of patience that it requires to raise little people well; funny since my life goal since second grade was to be a teacher; yet that too was justifiable.  I have the patience for all other children but my own, it truly was that simple, or so I thought.  All last summer I still worked though, two days a week for about three hours each day.  It was something that got me out of the house and gave me a break from feeling needed ALL day.

In August that all changed, and my boss said to just stay home and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and call six weeks after birth. So I did; but at that time she said she no longer needed me.  It was official! I was a SAHM now with nothing on my responsibility list except to raise little people... I think as that realization started to set in was when I grew further into my depression.  I think if you were to ask Jon though, he noticed things shortly after Orion's birth, though I really couldn't tell you when he showed a lot of concern towards me.  I already suffer from seasonal affective disorder (or seasonal depression) so winters in Michigan are not my favorite time of the year, but this winter was hard. Not only due to being stuck indoors so much because of weather, but I had a new little person to raise, who needed me ALL THE TIME and Willow still NEEDS me ALL. THE. TIME.

If you know me and you are reading this story, it may be coming as a surprise to you.  I did a great job of hiding my thoughts and feelings. I denied being depressed because I saw it completely different than how I was feeling. I was tending to all the needs of my kids, but I wasn't interacting with them. I was keeping myself kept, and would go out to social gatherings (like Mom's group) or have coffee with friends and put a smile on my face at all times.  I did not believe I was suffering from depression, I felt I was tired due to Orion always being awake at night, and if it wasn't him, well Willow still wakes up at night.  I thought it was a rough day due to someone being sick, whatever the excuse was I found it.  There was no way I was suffering from depression.  Jon would ask me how am I doing and offer up the depression idea and I would say I am fine and not depressed.  I just told him things would get better when... (fill in the blank with whatever I thought would make things easier for me at the time).  But they weren't.

Jon reminded me about a month back that spring IS here (one of my excuses), and that I am still not myself.  It was then that it started to sink in that I have been coming up with many excuses as to why I was not well and that nothing had really gotten better.  Then I went to our last Mom's group meeting where the topic was depression (funny since I hadn't gone to a meeting since before Christmas for various reasons) and I realized that depression was not just how I thought it was.  My lack of motivation, my lack of feeling connected, the fog I felt in my head. The anxiety I felt that I was not being what a SAHM should be (whatever that really means), the pressure I had put on myself to do everything because Jon is working and that is what a SAHM is suppose to do.. All of it was part of how I was suffering from depression.

You see anyone who suffers from depression really does suffer differently; but it doesn't lessen the fact that it is there.  Yet no one wants to talk about it either.  It is so hard for me because for some reason, I feel like less of a person, mother, wife because I... I am not sure I have found the reason or the word for why actually. But I feel less than my old self I will say that.  I have never looked at someone else I have personally known with depression any differently than I had before, but I look at myself differently. That is also a bit of a struggle.

But for now, that is the story of my struggle, and I am sharing it because as I said yesterday - sharing our stories doesn't just help us heal, it helps others who are suffering too. I have always been an open book when it comes to my past of sexual abuse, miscarriages, bad days, good days, parenting fails, etc... But this is a lot harder to share.  So thank you all who have been so warm and kind since yesterday. It means a lot.

Wrestling within

So there has been this post that has been writing itself over and over within my mind for at least a couple of months now.  Do I share it?  Do I keep it to myself?  What would my closest friends think?  Or what about my family?  It's those questions and so many other feelings that have left me keeping it all to myself...

Until today - this won't be a complete story, or maybe even not a basic understanding (after all I have two little ones still home needing my attention).  But it needs to be said, for a few reasons, I suppose.

I have recently been diagnosed and am now on medication for post-partum depression.  It is not easy to say and share with you, as I am still fighting it within myself.  I do not want to admit that I have depression, or that I am something less than myself (whatever that may mean).  But the fact is, I need to share this part of my life as well because I have always felt that a good way to heal from wounds within is to share our stories with others.  We are never truly alone no matter how ALONE we may feel.  But this part of my life journey is very difficult to put out there.

So for now, I will share that tiny little piece of my life and let you know that not every day is easy, and that is okay. Not every day is full of smiles, though I may wear a smile in front of you. I am doing better now that I am on meds; but things are slow and that is okay as well.

Thanks for understanding and I will promise to share more when I have the time to really sit down and process.

Mother's Day 2014

My mother's day this year was definitely better than they were in years past... Not because I got a lot of material items, but because for the first time in a long time it actually felt like I was being appreciated (or in the very least appeased LOL).  Saturday we went to Countryside Greenhouse and I got a lot of flowers to plant in our outdoor garden (some potted, some planted in the ground); and I then spent the rest of the day plating outside.  Something I have not done in the last 2  years due to surgeries and hospitalizations and just sheer depression.  Willow helped, Evan helped, Orion hung outside for a while and I got sunburned.  First one of many to come this year.  You see, it may seem silly to be so happy that I got to work in the garden and dig in the dirt and plant flowers; but you see that is one thing that I LOVE to do.  It allows me to reconnect, relax, remember to slow down and love this life.  So Saturday we had a BBQ dinner as well, so it was indeed an awesome start!

Sunday we went to church as usual, lunch outside (for those of us who wanted to), and a trip to a couple of parks, an ice cream treat, an awesome dinner made by Jon, walks around the neighborhood.... It was truly an amazing Mother's day.  I have no pictures of the day (sorry for those of you who love the pictures); instead we were out enjoying the time together.

I hope every other mother I know out there also had an amazing day as well.

Our start to May

Well April Showers bring in May flowers, but April and May tend to be very busy months at the West household as well. So far in the month of May we have had Jonathan's birthday; which seems to be a celebration lasting over an undetermined amount of days at this point.  So, we had a birthday breakfast on Thursday, a choice of fast food out that night as we didn't have time to have a home made birthday dinner so its his day he picked (Sonic in case you're wondering).  Friday I made his cake and pancakes for dinner, we still aren't sure if he really had a birthday dinner or if I just tried to slide in a trick here. LOL   But, we then went to Detroit for the PHF benefit concert (you can read about that on Willow's Wishes), and then to my brothers on Sunday where they surprised Jonathan with a spider man cake for his birthday and gifts for the boys.
It was so great to see them again and just hang out.

So, since there isn't too much going on without going into crazy detail and possibly crying, let me share some pictures of our weekend celebrations with you instead:

Friday morning Jump with Jill assembly with Evan at Palmer Elementary

Not sure the cake really was on fire, or if the picture is just blurred... 

Before candles

At Uncle Mike and Aunt Nichole's celebrating

Evan got in on the fun too :) 

Happy Birthday Jonathan... 14 already?! 

All the kids together.... well, minus Orion he is too small for the table still ;)

Let the stress begin

Well, its been a crazy month full of activity.  We started the month with a vow renewal for Jon and I - after all, being together 15 years is kind of a big thing. So with that we celebrated at our church, with our closest friends and family.  After the vow renewal, we took the family to Zehnder's Splash Village for a couple of days of family fun and together time, something we have not had in I don't know how long to be honest.  I can say that it was definitely over due though.  We also celebrated Jon's birthday, Evan's birthday, Easter, Willow making it two years surgery free, and well I think that is all!! I know, that's all?! LOL

Well, we are looking forward to Jonathan's birthday Thursday, then we head to Detroit on Saturday for a benefit concert for the PHF.  We have had some generous sponsors through GM help us get this going, and we can't wait to hear Teen Nation Tour Saturday night!  Should be great fun for a great cause! Jason has worked very hard to get that promoted and going, so it should be a great event.  :)

I am hoping the next month is not too crazy, but I get the feeling things are only going to get crazier as the spring progresses and summer gets closer.  House hunting, summer camps, DC trips, PHF events on the rise, oh how the fun will begin.

Inadequate

It seems no matter what I try to do for my husbands birthday, it either doesn't go as planned, he figures out the surprise so its not as awesome, or a day like yesterday happens where apparently I just suck as a wife and a human being and it was just an 'okay day'.

I was going to go into more details; but its not worth it. I have already been feeling like I am not doing something right when it comes to being a stay at home, fighting depression as best as possible by getting out at least once a week with friends or having them over for coffee... but it just doesn't seem right.  Then to go to bed feeling like he wasn't happy with how the day went (based on how he described his day to his two sisters vs. how I described my view of it to his mom), it got worse when we woke up and he literally asked me if I didn't get him anything for his birthday because he hasn't gotten things for me in the past. Really?!  I went out of my way to have lunch with him yesterday, brought him flowers (yes flowers and why? because it was a gift he would never see coming! But still showed thought and care), cupcakes from Cold Stone Creamery (instead of his Dairy Queen cake), and I made him whatever he wanted for his birthday dinner.

You see he doesn't need anything right now, and the one thing he wants we can't afford.  So I thought, these things were going to make his day special somehow in a small way.  But I guess once again, I fail. Maybe one day, things will go right for his birthday.

A new start

Well, my plan is to separate myself from the Willow's Wishes blog and allow myself some more creative freedoms in my personal writing.  Many of you may not know this about me, but I used to write poetry.... Shocking I know! I am not saying that this blog will be full of poems, but maybe as I progress in my writing I might be more willing to share my personal poetry.  

I am actually hoping that within the framework of this blog you will see me grow as a person.  I have had a lot of change take place in my life in the last 6 or so months and processing all the information has not been the easiest to handle.  Instead of a busy mom who works out of the house, I am now a less busy mom who gets to stay at home.  I have let go of many of the tasks that I once held for various reasons, but the biggest being my kids.  Having Willow and having gone through a rough first year with her really made me re evaluate my priorities in life.  I would one day still like to actually earn my BA for elementary education, but right now I am busy raising little ones. College will be there, my little ones will not always be little.  

I am looking forward to becoming more involved in our church actually.  I have just finished two book studies that I am quite excited about as well through groups within our church that have really had me rethink how I looked at some things in our life.  While parts of it Jon has also looked at me as if I were crazy!! I think that's okay too. 

So I hope this separation of blogs and more personal style of writing and thoughts will be just as entertaining for you to read and follow as Willows Wishes is important to you.