Tuesday, December 9, 2014

In a Fog

It truly surprises me, how deeply ingrained into my brain/subconscious it must be; this ability to put on the persona that all is well, and to go through the motions of life outside my home as if I have it all together. I have hid it so well, my close friends have no idea the mental struggle I have going on in my head on a daily basis.  Some days, my husband has been fooled by it as well - until it all comes out like an eruption of ash.

I think its time I admit to myself as well, that medication and friends alone will not get me out of this rut I feel I am so far in.  The fog that I feel mentally... I can barely make it through day to day life! Take care of the kids, feed them, I myself need to eat, make sure the house is clean, and when everyone comes home the kids are kept at a distance from each other so as to be able to focus on homework.. Some days it is a struggle to not want to go back to my bed and crawl under the covers and just stay there all day.  But no one knows - that is the beauty of the fog that I have surrounded myself with and yet the ugliness of it as well.

I often times wonder what I have done in my life that has left me feeling so isolated from others, yet knowing that I have friends I can talk to. I also wonder when it became okay to act as if all was well, when in all actuality it isn't.  When did hiding in the fog become more than just an emotional blanket but a security blanket as well.  After all, if no one knows how I really think or feel, I can't hurt their feelings and in return I won't be hurt either. Yet the fog is full of hurt, pain, anxiety, stress, emotions, racing thoughts of who knows what really, because most days I can't catch them!

Today seems to be a day when I have the moments available to myself to put these thoughts down and allow them to stew out there... outside of my brain, so that maybe, just maybe it can rest for just a little bit.

Willow's birthday is coming, Christmas is coming, and I am intrigued by what that all means.  Odd word to use in this situation really. I should feel excitement, stress, happiness and instead I am intrigued by what those days will bring.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Holidays or Hellidays

Yup, I said it. For someone who suffers with depression, the holiday season we are currently in is quite an unspeakable, hard to focus on, just let me get through the day, type of event. This year, I personally feel like I am able to walk through my days better than I did last year at this time. But then something happens, and it hits hard and I am a complete and utter mess! I could go inside myself and just not speak, I could start to go through why I am so angry, upset, resentful, anxious at that moment and explode on any one person who asks me what is wrong (usually only if they are in my house) - or I just say nothing and carry on being upset. I could sit in a puddle of tears and not be able to actually form the words needed to convey why or how I feel at that moment. That is what this past weekend has been like for me.

I thought I was doing pretty good, and you see that is just how things go when you have depression - you think you are doing well and making progress and then all of a sudden something hits you and it's like you are back to square one.  

I have been doing a lot of thinking again about my life, and what my purpose really is. Since our last trip to DC with the PHF, I have really felt a calling in Special Needs and a new found love for the non profit foundation that I volunteer with. So with that I started to do research into what can I do with all of my credits that I have thus far. So... 

I decided that I am indeed going to go back to school - only not for elementary education as I thought my life plan was. After all, we aren't really the ones in control of our life or the plans that we think we are.  I am going to get my B.S in Liberal Arts with a psychology minor :)  I am super excited about this idea, and was really excited to start in January. Only then life happened and well, it looks like I need to wait until spring. Only I am scared to wait that long to go back to school for a few reasons. One is my ability to study and focus. By then, the kids will be almost done with school (or come summer definitely done with school) and so will not get the time needed for homework as I would if I start next semester. Finances for school are in check and will be taken care of , no problem, so that is not an issue. But if I wait, then I am also afraid I won't go - I will come up with some other reason why I cannot attend. 

And Day 2:

That is where my thoughts ended last night due to about 800 interruptions. I am NEVER able to complete a thought any more, and the kids wonder why I forget things lately.

Well, today is another day - I have been put into survival mode, and that means different things for so many people. For me, survival is to keep busy because if I sit for too long I am forced to sit, think, focus on me. I do not like to do that; and I know I need to do that to really get better; but I would rather not and focus on the 800 billion things that are calling my attention - even if it means I can't focus right now.

So I am just going to say sorry. Sorry for not writing an awesome, insightful post about my thought process while I am dealing with depression. As my last blog said, I am not quite ready to really share all that is up here.  I can say that depression is real, it affects you so differently than someone else. No  two people will walk depression the same. Smiling hurts, being real hurts, and hiding the hurt can actually be easier than being real. But I think we as people tend to shy away from discussing it because it is so different for any one walking this path. One day...