Monday, January 26, 2015


This winter has been far from easy. In fact, I can't find much of anything since Orion's birth that has been easy.  Is it the fact that having five kids in a small house is too much, is it that I am still unsure of who I really am, or is it just that I have had a strange view of who I am or what makes me tick, and happy.  You see, I have always been a person to do things - a LOT of things. I felt that keeping myself busy was what I liked to do. Ultimately living like that is quite exhausting. Not only for myself, but the family.  So, when we got Willow's diagnosis of hydrocephalus, I stepped back from a lot of things.  But then joined with the Pediatric Hydrocephalus Foundation to become Michigan's co-director.  But still, things weren't right with me. I have found recently, when asked a few questions about my hobbies, or what I like to read or do - that right now I have no idea.  I am 36 years old, and feel like I don't know myself.  I have dabbled in so many different things/hobbies but have never really stuck with any of them.  Except writing; even if it is not as often as I would like it to be, I still write.  Either here, or on Willow's Wishes, or in journal's or cards to send to friends.  No matter what, I write.

So in that spirit, I am going to write more often.  Jon has kind of challenged me, in a non challenging way (meaning really he suggested) that I write a children's book. You see when all of our kids were about Willow's age, that 3-5 range, I would tell stories to them about their day - at night. They were 'made up' stories, with characters known as Sir Jonathan, Sir Evan, Princess Amanda, and Princess Willow. The stories always had a moral at the end, that helped them solve whatever the problem was that day. Such as Jonathan had a hard time sharing with Evan one day, so Sir Jonathan came along that night, to help play with his little brother named Sir Evan. And it seemed to work and help back then. But since Willow was born, it was hard for me to continue that trend, because well, I was living in a daily turmoil of who the heck knows what will happen. And instead of really living and enjoying, I went into the deepest of survival modes.  I think part of this depression I am in now, is me just trying to come out of fight/flight mode and remember how to really live, as I did before Willow.

So, here come the stories!! Anyone want to help?? If I get these written, I need an illustrator and I don't even know where to begin with publishing, but I think it would be so nice to do so. :)

Let me know if your interested in any such way

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Depression sucks

Depression does suck - literally and figuratively.  It literally sucks the life from you leaving you almost motionless - a shell of your former self. When you add anxiety to it, it cripples your thoughts and makes you wonder what is next? Depression affects everyone so differently that it is hard to have a great treatment from the start. It's a game of seeing what helps and what doesn't...  The game sucks.

Personally, I should probably be seeing a therapist to help with this - but who has the time for that? I have Willow in and out of two different schools at different times of the day, and Orion home with me at all times. See those words there, AT. ALL. TIMES.   I can't get away from him!  I know that sounds harsh, but really I have anxiety on top of the depression and little sleep to say that none of this is adding up well.

I make it through my days on auto pilot.  Meaning I know I have to get up, make coffee, make Jon's lunch, get him and the boys out the door.  Next is Amanda. Now that it is just her in the morning I can usually make it through with little arguing though a lot of whining still.  Then I can focus on Willow - Monday and Wednesday's she has to catch a bus at 8:30 am, Tuesday and Thursday's are laid back and that bus comes closer to 11. Once everyone is gone it is just Orion and I.  I thought it would give us a chance to bond... instead it gives my anxiety and depression a chance to take over and leave me crippled for the day.  Once the house is quiet, my mind is not and it can't focus on what needs to be done.  I can definitely meet our needs - meaning lunch, diaper changes, nursing, snacks etc. But above and beyond that - I am utterly lost.

It affects the marriage too - in so many ways does it ever affect the marriage.. I would like to say that some how mine is doing well, but when your spouse doesn't understand how 'you leave him in the living room all day' and there are no words that can be found to explain how you feel - it makes it even harder.

I had started this blog up again in hopes that if I kept writing on a regular basis, it could help others - the same way I freely will talk to people about my past.  But I find it very hard to put into words what I may or may not want to share. So instead it sits inside my mind only making things worse I am sure of it! lol  

Well, today's post was much more personal than I intended it to be... But none the less, there it is.