It truly surprises me, how deeply ingrained into my brain/subconscious it must be; this ability to put on the persona that all is well, and to go through the motions of life outside my home as if I have it all together. I have hid it so well, my close friends have no idea the mental struggle I have going on in my head on a daily basis. Some days, my husband has been fooled by it as well - until it all comes out like an eruption of ash.
I think its time I admit to myself as well, that medication and friends alone will not get me out of this rut I feel I am so far in. The fog that I feel mentally... I can barely make it through day to day life! Take care of the kids, feed them, I myself need to eat, make sure the house is clean, and when everyone comes home the kids are kept at a distance from each other so as to be able to focus on homework.. Some days it is a struggle to not want to go back to my bed and crawl under the covers and just stay there all day. But no one knows - that is the beauty of the fog that I have surrounded myself with and yet the ugliness of it as well.
I often times wonder what I have done in my life that has left me feeling so isolated from others, yet knowing that I have friends I can talk to. I also wonder when it became okay to act as if all was well, when in all actuality it isn't. When did hiding in the fog become more than just an emotional blanket but a security blanket as well. After all, if no one knows how I really think or feel, I can't hurt their feelings and in return I won't be hurt either. Yet the fog is full of hurt, pain, anxiety, stress, emotions, racing thoughts of who knows what really, because most days I can't catch them!
Today seems to be a day when I have the moments available to myself to put these thoughts down and allow them to stew out there... outside of my brain, so that maybe, just maybe it can rest for just a little bit.
Willow's birthday is coming, Christmas is coming, and I am intrigued by what that all means. Odd word to use in this situation really. I should feel excitement, stress, happiness and instead I am intrigued by what those days will bring.