I hate days where emotionally I am all over the map, and not only does my family have to walk on egg shells; but I feel like I have to with myself as well! Seriously, how many people out there have to make sure that any thought, decision or idea made that day works well with one's own emotional state? Today we celebrated Willow's birthday. 5 years old next week, I can hardly believe it. I am so happy that she is doing so well, and has overcome so much adversity, made it through 12 brain surgeries and one look and you would never know.
This week she had an eye appointment. I love her doctor there, and she is always so honest with us; which for me is a great trait for a doctor to have, because while she doesn't give doom and gloom speeches, she does indeed tell us what can/will happen. Well, this week was no different. We were told she needed new glasses, only Willow loves her frames so will keep those. We are getting a much stronger prescription for her weak, right eye. It jumped a lot! To the point that in March, if both eyes are not better, she will be getting bifocals! I was shocked and said bifocals at 5? I was half in shock, half questioning it as a joke. She took me aside to say that we are trying to save her sight at this point. Her weak eye took such a turn for the worse, that even she was shocked. There is a much greater risk that we are looking at her going blind in that one eye a lot sooner than originally talked about (roughly a year ago). So that was a hit to the ol' heart and soul in my book.
But that alone doesn't make up the emotional toll of the day today. I had a blast with friends and was so happy to see Willow beaming with joy at her friends being here, opening her gifts, eating her cake, playing with said gifts. But even she will tell you she had a good day/bad day. There was a lot of good, as I just said. But the bad in her day, has to do with me - either telling her to put something away so we can move on to something else, blowing up at the end of the night (not at her, and really I haven't put a pin on why I did), and she has a few other things I did to 'ruin her day', but hey it was parental. LOL
Either way, my ups and downs affected her day, and that makes it hurt more. No one likes to talk about mental health, and the stigma that is attached to it grows daily. But I suffered such anxiety surrounding today, and it had built through the week with the help of other events that I had not properly dealt completely with at the moment and then a lack of sleep added to that. I just wish for a redo. Thankfully, despite the ups and downs I know I am surrounded by family that love me and we can wake up tomorrow and try again. For now, I feel like crying into my pillow.