Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Depression sucks

Depression does suck - literally and figuratively.  It literally sucks the life from you leaving you almost motionless - a shell of your former self. When you add anxiety to it, it cripples your thoughts and makes you wonder what is next? Depression affects everyone so differently that it is hard to have a great treatment from the start. It's a game of seeing what helps and what doesn't...  The game sucks.

Personally, I should probably be seeing a therapist to help with this - but who has the time for that? I have Willow in and out of two different schools at different times of the day, and Orion home with me at all times. See those words there, AT. ALL. TIMES.   I can't get away from him!  I know that sounds harsh, but really I have anxiety on top of the depression and little sleep to say that none of this is adding up well.

I make it through my days on auto pilot.  Meaning I know I have to get up, make coffee, make Jon's lunch, get him and the boys out the door.  Next is Amanda. Now that it is just her in the morning I can usually make it through with little arguing though a lot of whining still.  Then I can focus on Willow - Monday and Wednesday's she has to catch a bus at 8:30 am, Tuesday and Thursday's are laid back and that bus comes closer to 11. Once everyone is gone it is just Orion and I.  I thought it would give us a chance to bond... instead it gives my anxiety and depression a chance to take over and leave me crippled for the day.  Once the house is quiet, my mind is not and it can't focus on what needs to be done.  I can definitely meet our needs - meaning lunch, diaper changes, nursing, snacks etc. But above and beyond that - I am utterly lost.

It affects the marriage too - in so many ways does it ever affect the marriage.. I would like to say that some how mine is doing well, but when your spouse doesn't understand how 'you leave him in the living room all day' and there are no words that can be found to explain how you feel - it makes it even harder.

I had started this blog up again in hopes that if I kept writing on a regular basis, it could help others - the same way I freely will talk to people about my past.  But I find it very hard to put into words what I may or may not want to share. So instead it sits inside my mind only making things worse I am sure of it! lol  

Well, today's post was much more personal than I intended it to be... But none the less, there it is.

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