Friday, August 28, 2015

A little something

There is a little something about my life that for some reason has come up in my emotions and the thing is - not many people know about this part of my life.  For some reason, I feel the need to share this piece of my story to give it life. The memory it possibly deserved to have, but doesn't.

All of my friends know that my oldest son is 15 years old. What people don't know is that I actually had a miscarriage before I had Jonathan. It was even before my life with Jon, which is why it's not talked about and hidden so deep. You see though, I was due Sept. 6, the father's friends birthday.... that child would be 16 years old next month.  I think about him/her almost every fall secretly, because Jonathan is 8 months younger than my first child would actually be. So I wonder what that boy/girl would be like sometimes.  I think it is hitting me hard now, as this child (I lost it at 8 weeks, so no clue if it is a boy/girl) would be driving! That is a huge milestone, and Jonathan is perfectly content not caring about driving! LOL

The other part to the not talking about this story, is that 1 month prior to the miscarriage I was raped. By my father. So, when I found out I was pregnant, I had no clue who it belonged to; my ex boyfriend or my father.  I told my mother in complete fear but we went to the doctor and explained the situation (not who raped me, but that I was attacked) and needed an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy and how far along I was to know who it may belong to.  It was confirmed to by the ex-boyfriends, but that is where I will end that part of the story. The news didn't sit well with him, things got worse between us, I lost the child when I was home for the weekend so I was accused of faking the whole thing. I met Jon shortly after all of that happened.

I am not sure what the purpose of sharing this story is, or why I feel the need to do so. But maybe someone out in the world needs to hear it, as they are feeling something similar, alone, lost.  Maybe it just needed to be let out to live in its place.

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