Well that wasn't fun....

A couple things have happened this week that have made me really think about things. The first one was a HUGE eye opener about me. I suck as a mom and due to my anxiety, OCD, control aspects, freak out moments, whatever you want to call it; have really ingrained a sense of fear into my kids. I found this out through two episodes that played out in the last two weeks.

The first was with Jonathan as he was dumping a new bag of sugar into our sugar container, he spilled some; like a small amount. I can't even really put a measurement to it. I guess if I had to maybe a couple tablespoons worth. He apologized many times over for spilling that small amount. Telling me he didn't mean to, it was an accident, and it isn't a lot. But he was afraid to show me how much. I turned to look (as I was at the stove as he was doing this), and said 'dude it's a little bit of sugar. I am not going to cry over spilled sugar'. He stopped and thanked me for that. Really?!  A thank you from my son for not freaking out over sugar. Wow, Donna you suck! You see, his fear was well warranted unfortunately. Generally speaking, I would have gotten upset for spilling the sugar. Saying things like, 'why didn't you make sure you were careful?' or 'do you think I am made of money to be wasting that?'
I am not saying I don't still say those things at times, but I have made a HUGE effort to watch that in myself and I caught myself before I could have done what the old me would have! What a great thing to notice and change!

That wasn't the only time it happened to me. The second time was with Amanda on Friday. It was popcorn day at school, and I gave her a dollar to get two bags of popcorn for herself. I saw her in the hallway at the end of the day, ran passed her and told her to meet me in the office when she was done getting ready.  As I finished my work in the office, I started walking back towards her and saw her face was looking down at the ground. She was very defeated, but she wasn't like that when I passed her at her locker. The principal saw her like this and walked up to her and when Amanda looked up I saw her crying. I immediately pulled her over to the table and sat with her and asked her what is wrong. She then proceeds to tell me that she gave the popcorn people her $1.00 and only got one bag of popcorn bag, and she is sorry for wasting my .50.  She said she knows we don't have a lot of money and I hate to waste it.  Now, I admit I do tell my kids we don't have a lot of money quite often. These kids of mine seem to think that it grows on trees, or you just go to the bank and the bank hands you whatever you want. Even my 15 year old is still trying to grasp the concept of saving, spending, giving.  So maybe I didn't teach it well, maybe I did it all wrong.  But seriously she was crying over a mistake that was not hers, that was .50 worth and not that important in the grand scheme of life.  I am happy that I am able to notice these horrible things that I have done to my kids, so that I can continue to grow and do better; but it hurt to see that much sadness and pain in both my kids due to my issues.

Twice in two weeks it was brought to my attention how I suck as a mom. LOL Thankfully though I am really trying to be a more calm, laid back mom. Not one that just goes with whatever flow, I am not that person. But I don't have to have my hands in every pot that is stirring in my house. I don't have to be freaking out if the house isn't as clean as I want it to be, so long as the kids tried I should respect, praise and as time goes on teach them the importance of cleaning, organizing properly (not my way, but a neater way). Thankfully I can hug my kids at the end of the day and say I am sorry. I make mistakes too - we are all human and no one is perfect. At the end of the day, they all still love me somehow. :)
It is hard to remember that sometimes. Friday night I had a bit of mental meltdown. Once I had two seconds to think about both of those events, it hit me hard. So hard I found myself freaking out over the noise in my house (my anxiety was through the roof as I felt not worth anything, and a horrible mom). I put myself into our stairwell heading downstairs, covered my ears and cried.  Just feeling like such a huge screw up was a bit much that day. Thankfully, I have a great husband who got me back up, and supported me greatly.  Even as much as saying hey you had plans with your friends, go ahead and go - you need this. I am one very lucky lady to be surrounded by an awesome family. Even if I am not the best mom at times. I think that is something we all need to remember at times, we aren't perfect - we aren't meant to be. We are still loved though.

Found this blooming this week in my backyard; so I had to bring it in.