The Closing of Summer

It has been almost 2 months since my last post.  There has been both a lot going on and a lot of nothing exciting taking place.  I have been running words through my head all that time as well, trying hard to decide what to share, what is too much, what do you want or need to hear and how honest should I be with my battle of depression.  I have always felt that sharing my struggles in life could potentially help someone else, and that it was important for others to not feel alone as I have in various aspects of my life.  But battling PPD seems to be one thing I am not yet comfortable sharing as openly as I am that I am a survivor of sexual abuse and rape.  I would MUCH rather talk about the latter any day then my depression.  Yet, here I am, once again attempting my luck at a post, much as I have done many other times before today.

It is still hard to put into words how I feel, or have been feeling.  I think I am finally letting go of my ideal of what or how I am supposed to behave as a stay at home mom, but now I am working towards finding myself.  I have gone to the library a few times and checked out some books on oils as I struggle to get my doTerra business up and going.  I also have gotten books on educational things I have been thinking about researching further for Evan and Willow's sake.  So all that to say I am reading again! It feels nice to have a book in my hand.
Aside from that though, I still struggle with my feelings toward Orion. I feel I have not bonded with him as I had with the others by this age. I struggle to feel anything more than a machine most days when it comes to him.  If he is crying and there are other people around I will ask the boys to help him out before I can even get in there myself.  It is horrible to admit, but between him and Willow I NEVER have a moment to myself and it is hard!  I truly don't know how so many mothers out there can do this with more than one little one at home.

In other, lighter news, we are getting ready for school to start back up!  With our DC trip with the PHF behind us, we can now focus on school :)   ah yes, school - 4 kids, 4 different schools, ranging from high school to head start! LOL  What a fun year this will be ;)
Speaking of DC, the trip went well.  I had met with representatives from Justin Amash's office and Debbie Stabinow's office.  Please look for some news in regard to those meetings as well - I may be asking for some help with follow up letters to their offices.  I need to do a bit of research based on what was discussed and then will be asking for the masses to ask them to join the adult and pediatric caucus.
With September fast approaching, it also means National Hydrocephalus Awareness Month, so there will many exciting things happening there too.

Thank you

So I took the girls to the Fulton Street Artisans Market on Sunday afternoon (see them here), it was our second time there and because of the crazy morning weather not so busy this day. It was fantastic, the girls really love to look at all the great hand made things, have a snack, talk with the vendors (who are usually surprised at how much my girls know about the nerdy stuff such as Dr. Who, Pokemon, etc). Anyway, this particular Sunday I asked a vendor if she could create something she already had showing but in a different color.  She had made an awareness ribbon in pink and I asked for it to be made in blue.  She said no problem, give me five minutes.  Well, we went walking around while she did that, and when I returned she asked me what it was for and I explained the PHF to her and Willow's journey with it (Willow's Wishes).  She then told me that what she does is make donations to the organizations when a ribbon is sold. I was shocked!  All I wanted was a blue ribbon to put with my keys and share awareness. Well share awareness I did that day, but how great is it that a local artisan, who could keep the money to herself to support what she does, instead gives back?!  Three days later this story, this moment still holds in my heart.  So here is a great shout out to an incredible artisan (whom I am sure will be seeing us again soon as now the boys want stuff too!)

Sarah Hale thank you for being you   (check out her Facebook page here)

Here is what I bought from her:

Also, another state chapter director had done a tshirt sale to raise money and awareness, well here I am sporting mine:

Someone I love lives with hydrocephalus 

I love you Willow Anne :) 

Where did June go?

It is so crazy to think that week 3 of summer is starting this week and the 4th of July is looking us straight in the eye! Where is our summer going?!

I am trying to do something with the kids every day. I know that sounds funny, but by that I mean, something fun/special/out of the dull drum of our daily activities.  That would have worked if a belt on my car didn't snap on Tuesday and leave me without a car until Friday night. LOL
Last week, aside from not having a car, it looked like it was going to rain just about every day.  Well on Friday I decided to chance it and walk the kids to Briggs Park regardless.  We were there about 3 hours and the kids had a BLAST!! Willow can walk around the edge, and started to jump into the pool.  The boys are great swimmers this year so I can let them jump off the diving board and not worry about them, so I just have to play with the babies.  Now with that said trying to hold Orion the whole time and entertain Willow is a bit difficult; but it just happened that a friend was at the pool too that day so she played with Willow while I kept Orion.  Amanda was there with us as well, but she actually came with her friend and while she isn't the greatest swimmer this summer; she can do basic things to keep her entertained.

I also made play dough and Willow loves it (recipe here).  I made the first recipe there on the page, and figure I will try the others later.
Willow also tried to tell me that I am not going to potty train her, and well... after a little thinking on my part; I told her we don't have any more diapers left and she would have to use the bathroom all day. I put her in a dress for 3 days and big girl underwear on day 4 (today is day 6), and well each day she has been in underwear we have had some sort of accident it has been later in the day as in almost bed time. I think she is too tired and I am too busy getting everyone all they need I don't catch her in enough time. So I need to start with her I think tomorrow!
I haven't mentioned much about my journey with PPD in a bit and well, personally I am still having a hard time with it.  I am able to care for the children, hang out, take them places etc. But on a personal level I feel like I am expelling so much energy to just 'be' for them that there is nothing left in me.  I crawl into bed and that is about it for me anymore.  To be honest, this blog alone is three days in the making and I still feel it is discombobulated in so many ways.  There were many thoughts that have been through my head and yet I feel scrambled at the moment.  To be honest, I just returned from a walk and am starting again...  The one thing I am working on remembering is to just take each day as they come. This was something I did to get through all the hospital visits and news we had with Willow in her first year with hydrocephalus.  It somehow got me through, so I will go that route again. Take today as it comes, and value it for the gift it has for you.

Difficult days

The plan for the day was to go pick strawberries.  The weather had a different idea for today - rain.  So we are not picking today; and really I am okay with that. It's a go with the flow type of day.  Who knows what the rest of the day will bring... only not everyone in my house feels the same way.

Evan asked me after he was done with his breakfast when we would be going to pick strawberries.  I quickly quieted him down as Willow has not asked yet (and she is the big reason we are taking this adventure), and explain to him that it is raining. The news was on, and it was at the weather segment, so I even got to show him the radar... it will be raining for a while this morning as its a slow moving front.  He started to cry.  I know changes in routine bother him, and I know he hates surprises, but what I am still having a hard time understanding is his lack in understanding that I can't control some aspects of our day (ie today's weather).  He is quite upset and is now rocking himself on the couch under his blanket.  It is days like today where I wish he could go with the flow a little bit more, or I could just understand him a tiny bit more so that this rough morning doesn't get worse; because you see - today will get worse. This rain has just set his mood for the entire day, and he will be quite difficult to deal with. Any suggestion I may have to make things better will only be met with grumbles, anger, and a bit of anxiety too.

Well, off to let him decompress and then remind him of our chore and school hour... please send lots of patience this way.